Garfield
by ShakespeareHemmingway
Summary: Garfield meets Joaquin Phoenix!


Garfield

Joaquin Phoenix was in his Hollywood actor mansion, reading script for Joker. He was getting ready to finish his latest scene and needed to memorize all lines. Still he thought of what parts and wonders he would weave with his needles of acting next. He decided to look through more scripts for next project.

"The dancing men who sing in my head demand I look for more roles." Said Joaquin Phoenix as he gripped scripts. He looked in mirror and screamed for 3 minutes. When his morning scream was over, he shoveled through more scripts like snowplow in garbage dump. He flung trash scripts around room like hyena gone to insanity. Then his finger felt sensation. It was full of manliness and vigor. He felt strength fill his arm, yet it burned flesh like fire. He picked up script that shocked him with jolts of wisdom. It shined like newborn sun. It smelled like first rose of June. It felt like cooked eel. He looked upon script of majesty and saw in writing that was majestic like royalty yet rugged like rock farmer. It read 'Garfield'. He opened script and words poured into eyeballs like liquid wine. It was story like no other filled with adventure of untold might, sexy ladies and lasagna of beauty. He knew what he needed. He needed to play role none other played. He had to play Garfield.

Joaquin Phoenix then went to upside down room where he hung on bars and recited his name backwards. Afterwards he grabbed phone and called agent.

"Listen here you! The song of silence was sung to me this day and told me the role I needed!" Joaquin Phoenix sang with angel's voice.

"Yes, Mr. Joaquin Phoenix, that makes sense." Said the agent with agreement.

"I am to be GARFIELD!" Screamed Joaquin Phoenix with shrill scream.

"WHAT? You are gone to crazytown!" Cried the agent with panic.

"This world is built on pillars of madness. I am only sane man left." Joaquin Phoenix said in serious tones.

"Listen to my voice and hear its words. That script is for no man. Forget it. Forget Garfield!" Said agent with warning.

"But I CANNOT FORGET! His image is seared in eye of my mind! It bleeds for what I am not!" Joaquin Phoenix screamed with agony as he clutched head and scratched eyes.

"Stop this! This road is to madness and death! Focus on Joker! It will be good movie that makes money and gets good reviews!" Advised agent with wisdom.

"To Garfield, Joker is duck trapped in mud who quacks but the quacks are not heard even by the trees." Joaquin Phoenix said with sorrow.

"There is only one Garfield! Leave these thoughts in trash and be done with it!" Cautioned the agent. Joaquin Phoenix hung up and then stewed in regrets like turkey in gravy.

Joaquin Phoenix went to his bedroom. Each wall was giant picture of different stage of lifecycle of butterfly. Joaquin Phoenix stared at wall that was Larva and touched picture with feeling fingertips. He then wrapped himself in cocoon of sheets and slept into slumber dreams. There he dreamt what he could want but not be, clouds shaped like The Man formed with orange fire and pleasured ladies while Joaquin Phoenix could only watch in envy despair. Joaquin Phoenix woke and looked up at ceiling which was funhouse mirror. He went to his dream journal under last entry which said: _If all light comes from orbs behind our eyes then what is the sun?_ and wrote _My tongue is beast that tastes fire and lasagna._

Joaquin Phoenix then did morning routine of putting on Depeche Mode Dr. Strangelove at max volume and singing along for an hour. He then got dressed and went to set for acting. He went to set to meet cast mates. Joaquin Phoenix was talking to sexy co-star and hot and sexy script girl. He puffed up his chest and imagined what Garfield would say in the moment.

"Hey there sassy babies. You get my gears oiled up." Said Joaquin Phoenix with clumsy flirty failure.

"Oh, you are pig!" Said sexy co-star with shunning.

"Yeah, what loser man! Go back to first grade!" Said Hot and sexy script girl with mockery.

Then with suddenness of a dove flying from east in the morning light a revving of engine was heard. Riding like The Man was an orange figure of radiant masculinity riding a custom Harley Davison motorcycle and smoking lasagna cigarette.

"I heard there was casting call and that there were sexy ladies that needed to get their roles filled." Said the orange figure of Olympian manhood.

"Garfield!" Cried the ladies and Joaquin Phoenix in unison.

"That's right hot pockets. I'm here to make you scream your lines and direct you in ways you never felt." Said Garfield with smooth seduction.

"Oh, Garfield!" Said the sexy co-star with swooning.

"You are man mountain I want to climb but dare not try!" Said Hot and sexy script girl with wanting worry.

"I am Sherpa of love I will guide your lips and hips to where they are needing to be." Garfield said snapping his fingers with manpower. At Garfield's snapping command, fine ladies undressed tearing off clothes in passion of moments. Garfield then snapped his fingers again and stagehands brought out king sized bed for The Man.

"Garfield here is our best bed please enjoy it and pleasure ladies with it." Said the stagehands with humbleness.

"I break this bed before night is through. No bed can handle power of my thrust." Said Garfield with fact.

The ladies went to bed and lied down in poses of seduction, glistening with nakedness. They licked their lips like hungry pussycats.

"Ok, kitty cats, I see your lady holes are deserts. I will flood them with liquid love and turn them into oceans." Garfield said with flirtations as he hopped off motorcycle.

Garfield went to bed and leaped on ladies on like grasshopper on fresh meat. He licked supple bodies with serpent tongue pleasuring their outsides and inside. Ladies moaned with pleasure as he tasted their insides.

"Time to explode you inside out. I carry TNT in my pants and my fuse is readying to go." Garfield said with coy coolness.

"Explode us Garfield. Explode us with your manbomb." The ladies cried in unison.

Garfield unbuckled his stylish blue jeans and tossed them to floor. He launched his orange javelin at ladies scoring a bonanza. The director then walked in and saw the love makings.

"This is work of art! I will film this and show to world and win Oscars!" Said director with excitement as he took out big film camera and started recording.

"Action! Action! Action!" Cried out director with furious joy as he watched Garfield through lens pleasure ladies with power of bulldozer and expertise of sculptor. Joaquin Phoenix watched on as well with awe, impressment and terror. He scratched at eyes and rolled around on ground grabbing mud and smothering himself with it. He screamed and squealed as he heard Garfield's lady pleasuring. He stood and staggered out like drunk rodent squeaking in terror. No one cared.

Joaquin Phoenix ran into street that was empty. He ran about and around in search for something which he knew not. His mind was filled with painful confusion. Then finally he found open store, 24/7 convenience store with selling intent. Joaquin Phoenix calmed himself with breathes and entered store. Aisles upon rows were filled with items for selling. But none sold power to erase memories. He walked down aisles to counter where cute girl of beauty sat. She had curly blonde hair and her name was Rosie Jane.

"Hello, Rosie Jane you are looking mighty fine beautiful today." Said Joaquin Phoenix with compliments.

"Whatever." Said Rose Jane with dismissal.

"Perhaps you would care to give me pack of cigarettes and a date?" Asked Joaquin Phoenix words filled with nerves.

"Whatever." Said Rosie Jane throwing pack of cigarettes at him.

Then with suddenness of iceberg at equator there was sound of rocking music. Outside was Garfield in Red Corvette rocking out to 'Big City Nights' by Scorpions. He was wearing aviator shades. He stepped off Custom Harley Davison motorcycle and marched into store. He walked down frozen food section and ice cream melted in presence of his manly aura. He went to counter like man who knew counters his whole life and did not care. He leaned on counter with cool elbow and gave Rosie Jane wink and nod.

"Hey there bunny slippers I want to slide you on." Said Garfield with flirting.

Rosie Jane blushed with cheeks and fawned at massive molecule of manhood that rippled in front of her eyes like lake of fire. "Are you the Garfield?" Rosie Jane asked with swooning.

"You know it tootsie pops. I got friend in my pants and he needs mouth to mouth." Said Garfield slyly and he unzipped black silk shimmering pants.

"Friend of yours is friend of mine." Said Rosie Jane with man hungry smile.

"First thing is first. Get me lasagna." Demanded Garfield with righteousness.

Rose Jane nodded and ran to lasagna section. When she returned she brought with her wagon of lasagna.

"Now spread lasagna on counter." Commanded Garfield with orders.

Rosie Jane obeyed and spread slimy red blobs of lasagna on counter. Soon counter was covered with sweet stench of lasagna. Joaquin Phoenix's nose and lips were wet with hunger at lasagna he could never have.

"That is more like it." Said Garfield with satisfaction. Now get naked and dance on lasagna." Garfield said with chill smile.

Rosie Jane obeyed and took off clothes revealed hot tight body like Mako shark. She rolled around sexily on counter like sexy crocodile pulling down antelope and tearing it apart in lasagna swamp.

"Yeah baby. That's what I am liking." Said Garfield as he puffed lasagna cigarette. "My desire dragon is hungry and you are next course." Said Garfield with romance.

"Eat me alive Garfield. Pour love over me and lick me." Said Rosie Jane with loving.

Garfield jumped on Rosie Jane like flea on dog and squeezed firm body with grabbing hands. They rolled about swishing and swooshing on soft red lasagna covering each other with slimy red goodness. Their bodies were damp like frogs covered in fresh blood. Soft squishing sounds came from them as they mushed bodies together with lovings.

Joaquin Phoenix stared at sight of majesty and wept. He put hands to face and wept like man who knew nothing but tears. He wept more and then he screamed and then he laughed. He covered eyes with hands but through hands he still saw Garfield love Rosie Jane like volcano loves the earth.

Joaquin Phoenix crawled away in desperation like slug. He crawled into toothbrush aisle where toothbrush and toothpaste were and took big fat tube of toothpaste. He squirted toothpaste on floor in shape of woman. He then collapsed on toothpaste woman, wriggling and wraggling, trying to make love to toothpaste woman but not able. For toothpaste woman was not woman at all but just toothpaste. He cried again licking toothpaste and then crawled out of store. Joaquin Phoenix crawled to his Hollywood home squealing like weasel crawling on broken glass. He came to door and entered. He crawled to couch and flopped on like fish in ocean of dust. He wanted to forget all. He turned on tv for nighttime entertainment.

"Television my friend, grant me freedom. Do not betray me like all other things." Joaquin Phoenix cried with whimper.

Joaquin Phoenix turned on his window into the world of visual entertainment. Television flickered on and TV host in suit bellowed with deep voice.

"Hello all there out in TV land! Welcome to Hot ladies, Heavy Metal, and Lasagna, America's most favorite gameshow! Here have our contestants!" Said TV host with voice of siren. He pointed to hundreds of hot sexy ladies who all introduced themselves and their lives ambitions such as eating lasagna and finding right good man to pleasure them. Joaquin Phoenix did not like this show Hot ladies, Heavy Metal, and Lasagna very much. He preferred Awkward Girls Drink Soup to Genesis.

"And now of course our one and only judge! The Man himself! Garfield!" Screamed TV host with ecstatic excitement. He pointed to radiant figure who sat on throne of silk and steel with legs crossed without effort. The figure drank brandy from wine glass and smoked lasagna cigarette. He wore suede vest and gator skin pants. He winked at camera with coolness that froze space.

"First prize is of course night with Garfield that will change womanhood forever!" Said TV host with information as his face went red with excitement.

"Now, begin the eating!" Shrieked TV host as his face dripped with sweat and eyes bulged from head from intensity.

The ladies then began to eat lasagna with sensuality, licking lips and smothering bodies with steaming red sauce. Ladies were judged on quickness, sexiness and expression on face and firmness of body. Garfield sat back and enjoyed show, sipping brandy and nodding with approval as hundreds of sexy ladies ate lasagna for his pleasure. As sexy ladies ate their lasagna camera zoomed in and rockin heavy metal played with shredding guitars and rockin vocals. Scorpions and DIO played as hot visions of womanhood feasted on lasagna nutrition. Camera zoomed on mouths filled with red, wet lasagna for sexy effects. Sauce and cheese dripped down lips turning on everyone's engines. Some ladies began dancing around guitar and drum set. Garfield smirked with approving.

"Now it is time to select winner!" Declared TV host.

Camera zoomed in on Garfield's chiseled face. His eyes were cold with thought like frozen lakes. His lips opened and mouth moved. "I think I am winner and when I win all ladies win. Come on my chicken patties follow me to bedroom playpen." Garfield said with decree.

All ladies applauded at the wise decision. TV host nearly fainted at fairness of Garfield's decree. Army of scantily clad ladies followed Garfield up red carpeted staircase to his bedroom and cameras follow ready to capture all the action for world to see. Golden doors opened and the Man entered the bedroom. The floor was covered with bear and tiger carpets engaged in eternal struggle and walls and ceiling were mirrors.

"Time give you ladies first prize. It is gift that keeps on giving, the undying flame of my manhood." Garfield said as he unzipped leopard pants to unseal the beast that never sleeps.

Garfield jumped into lady pile and thrust his pleasure pike into yawning mouths and woman craters making them scream with glee. Garfield and ladies became one molding into mass of liquid love and fleshy meat.

"Time to spice it up." Garfield said as he pulled hidden rope. At rope pulling hidden buckets spilled lasagna into love fest making hot sweaty mass of red. Figures caked in lasagna like flame shadows danced and writhed into each other squishing and squashing and making hot sexy love. Reflections on mirrors distorted and made illusions of prismatic glory and scene was too much for Joaquin Phoenix's mad mind to take.

"No more!" Cried out Joaquin Phoenix as he tried to turn off tv with remote. But TV would not answer his cries and its screen was wide with smile as it laughed with silent mockery. The moans of Garfield's explosion of erotic ecstasy echoed from tv like squeals of ghost pigs rolling in mud in midnight hour. Joaquin Phoenix took TV in fit of rage and tossed it against wall but he still saw images of Garfield making sexy sweet sweat love to ladies while covered in wet blanket of lasagna. He collapsed on floor and crawled into bed, hoping he would escape waking nightmare in slumber dreams.

Joaquin Phoenix fell into sleep and darkness swam through mind. He descended in endless abyss still lying on bed but surrounded by quickening darkness. Black curtains parted and sea of red spread out into endlessness. He floated bed on red sea that churned like witch pot. Joaquin Phoenix saw great monster fish emerge from red depths with head shaped like his fears and body made of his regrets. It opened mouth and each tooth was a lost love. Sea monster crashed into bed sending Joaquin Phoenix into waiting ocean. Joaquin Phoenix flailed in red liquid like guppy in bubble and formless arm pulled him under into red depths.

Unseen arm pulled down and down until ocean was gone and he was in room. A white room splattered with red and bodies were scattered like beached seals. He looked over bodies but faces were blank except one. Body that was laying with arms and legs spread like starfish. Face stared up eyes wide open in revelation. Its face was frozen in smile and the face was familiar. It was his face! He then felt feeling in his hand. He realized in right hand he gripped Desert Eagle.

He looked at wall in front of him and saw it was mirror. In mirror a manly orange face stared back at him with eyes of stoic lasagna. He screamed and walls blew away and floor sank into nothingness and Joaquin Phoenix was standing in desert of red. Sand of ruby diamonds sparkled under feet. 'Rain' by the Cult started playing, music rocking from black desert sky. He stumbled forward into red wasteland, sand blistering feet like newly cooked lasagna. He stumbled in endless desert throat screaming for drink and stomach begging for food. But it was hunger in heart and thirst of soul that carried him on. Dunes shifted like sails and sand moved like living blood. Time froze and sped. Days melted into seconds and minutes ate hours. Finally, in distance Joaquin Phoenix saw spike like triangle stick from desert sand. He went to spike and saw it was grand Pyramid that stabbed sky until it begged. Entrance opened in front with black shadows calling for entrance to those who dared. Joaquin Phoenix staggered into entrance feeling coolness of breeze pinch face like ice crab. Halls stretched forward into unseeing blackness. Torches flickered like baby fireflies with guiding intent. Joaquin Phoenix followed path of flickering torches and came to great chamber with paintings on walls. Paintings of Garfield in scenes of heroism. One painting was of Garfield battling mechanical menace in deepness of space. Other painting was of Garfield saving lovely princesses from evil princes. Another painting showed Garfield saving Christmas from forces of darkness and others still showed Garfield delivering justice to Nazis and Red Coats in name of America.

At center of chamber was great sarcophagus shaped like manly figure with chiseled muscles. Sarcophagus then opened and light streamed out like diamond river. Room spiraled around and Joaquin Phoenix fell to ground like bowling pin. He looked up and saw sarcophagus glow like scarlet sun. Tongues of flame licked with hunger out of mighty sarcophagus and glow of warmth kissed face like lost sweetheart. Joaquin Phoenix walked to sarcophagus with trance steps and stood opening. Inside was world of cleansing flame. It was fire that ended and gave life it was fire of Phoenix.

"I am Phoenix and I will be reborn." Joaquin Phoenix said with heart heavy mind as he leaped into flaming fire.

Joaquin Phoenix opened eyes and stared at funhouse mirror at ceiling but reflection was straight and pristine like badger fresh from morning breakfast. His bed was swamp of cold sweat, but his heart was dry with purpose. He stood up with bare feet and marched to bathroom made of marble. In bathroom he stared at mirror and scoffed with mockery at face that stared back. He clenched fist and smashed it into mirror shattering into shards that soared to ground like crystal birds. He took one large shard with clenched fist blood dripping from palm. He stared into cracked remains of mirror and took shard to face and slashed at it with determination and ferocity. He slashed his feeble face until he saw in mirror resemblance to chiseled face of masculine perfection that was Garfield. He then took off cotton shirt that was wet with sweat and dirty with guilt to reveal pathetic flabby stomach. Joaquin Phoenix scowled with scorn and took glass in hand. He slashed at stomach in pattern to imitate Garfield's stone cold six pack. Joaquin Phoenix then took can of orange paint hidden under sink and dumped it on bleeding body. He smeared orange paint all over self mixing with fresh and drying blood. He put finger covered in paint and blood in mouth and sucked like baby seal on pacifier of ice. He flexed and admired body dripping in orange and red. He then heard phone ring from bedroom and returned drops of red and orange following footsteps. He picked up phone with sternness. All fear was gone and dead to dust.

"Joaquin Phoenix this is your agent. You must go to Jimmy Kimmel (Funnyman TV show host) for interview." Said agent with demands.

"Joaquin Phoenix is dead. Garfield killed him." Joaquin Phoenix said with coldness. He then smashed phone on table with mighty crunch. "Time to put Kimmel in kennel." Joaquin Phoenix quipped with slyness. He went to bedroom and reached under bed to take out case. In case was special cap gun of gleaming silver.

"My trusty Desert Eagle you never failed me. Let us cook us some Kimmel to feed to dogs in hell." Joaquin Phoenix said with menace.

Joaquin Phoenix drove to Kimmel studios in orange Corolla that needed gas. He parked front and walked in with determined feet. In studio was Jimmy Kimmel by desk sitting on chair and studio audience sitting in audience chairs for viewing pleasure. In audience was sweaty fat man who tired of the wait and felt worlds burdens on his shoulder as he watched the funnyman Kimmel's stupid face.

Audience gasped with shock as Joaquin Phoenix stumbled in like drunk bumbler droplets of drying blood and orange paint sputtering to floor in crusty glops. He wore brown cotton pants with turtle shell codpiece. Other guests sitting on couch were Margot Robbie (celebrity), Scarlet Johansson (celebrity), and Jennifer Lawrence (celebrity). They sat wearing sexy dresses and everyone enjoyed.

Joaquin Phoenix strode like loping leper to couch with eyes like frozen steel and sat nearest to Jimmy Kimmel who put on his funnyman face. The sweaty fat man in back row was filled with confusion. His stomach roiled with contempt and sweaty fat face twisted in scowl.

"You are looking unusual today Joaquin Phoenix. Did you cut yourself while checking oven?" Joked Jimmy Kimmel with joke that could only make idiot or madman laugh. Audience sat in silence and sweaty fat man bit lip in disgust.

"Joaquin Phoenix is dead. I killed him for I am mighty Garfield." Said Joaquin Phoenix as his stare stabbed into Jimmy Kimmel's empty eyes like spear.

Jimmy Kimmel looked at audience with uncomfortable eyes and laughed with fakery. "Ho ho! You are the kidder! If you are Garfield I am handsome roast beef!" Said Jimmy Kimmel with funnyman words.

Ladies on couch chuckled but Joaquin Phoenix sat like sphinx silent and proud. Finally after eons that felt like days Joaquin Phoenix's lips moved like wet worms and words oozed out like pus. "You speak language of fools, understood by kings and jackals." Joaquin Phoenix said with vile.

Jimmy Kimmel shook head with confusion and grinned stupid grin. He made funny noises in effort to make humor.

"A king is jackal with man's head." Joaquin Phoenix said with ponderousness.

Jimmy Kimmel said nothing but put on funny face to try to lighten mood. He stuck out tongue and pouted cheeks. The sweaty fat man looked on in disgruntled rage. The sweaty drops poured out of face. Joaquin Phoenix looked to audience and saw the sweaty fat man. Their eyes locked like lasers and Joaquin Phoenix stared into fat sweaty drops that poured from the sweaty fat man like waterfall. He saw that each sweaty drop contained universe of its own and saw in each universe a trillion souls screamed.

Joaquin Phoenix turned back to Jimmy Kimmel and saw his head was now pig's head. The pig headed man laughed with lusty squeals and lobster crawled out of snout and jumped into pot of boiling water that sat on floor by his feet. Joaquin Phoenix then turned to celebrity ladies who sat next to him. He saw they were three heads attached to one body and heads talked and laughed. Their necks were tentacles that coiled and wrapped in embrace, scaly skin rubbing against one another making scraping noises.

"Enough!" Cried out Joaquin Phoenix in angry rage. "I will take sexy ladies with me! We will make hard style love making!"

"What nonsense are you speaking?" Asked Jimmy Kimmel with shock. Joaquin Phoenix saw that his pig head was now split open down center and mantis sat on top picking at and eating brain with sickles. But still he laughed and squealed.

"I am taking ladies! We will eat lasagna and make lovings like powerful titans!" Joaquin Phoenix said with determination. He saw the Scarlett Johansson head and Jennifer Lawrence head sharing luscious green apple in their jaws, chomping and chewing and licking. Their tongues wrapped around apple and each other. The Margot Robbie head lay on satin pillow dreaming nightmares that he could not stop seeing.

Joaquin Phoenix pulled out cap gun and pointed it at Jimmy Kimmel. "Do not interfere with my plans!" Joaquin Phoenix screeched like unwise owl. He snatched lady creature by the arm and dragged it with him out to orange Corolla. Lady heads hissed and laughed as they were dragged into Corolla.

"I will show you majesty of my love palace!" Joaquin Phoenix said with hysteria. Sexy lady beast screeched and hissed with sultry sexuality. Joaquin Phoenix thrust key with power into car to command it into action. It did not move but Joaquin Phoenix heard voice purr from engine.

"Joaquin Phoenix where would you like to be going? I would recommend beach." Said orange Corolla in gentle purring voice like kitten massaged by feather.

"No! GO home!" Squealed Joaquin Phoenix like spoiled puppy.

"I think we should go to beach." Insisted orange Corolla with voice like velvet sword.

"Yes. Let us go to beach." Chimed in Jennifer Lawrence, Margot Robbie and Scarlet Johansson heads in unison. Their heads switched.

"No! Go to home!" Commanded Joaquin Phoenix with tantrum.

"You will regret this decision." Said orange Corolla with sadness.

Orange Corolla drove them through city that seemed to melt and burn. Sky was black with fire that made Joaquin Phoenix sweat like schoolboy locked in coffin. His car purred and moaned like cat in love. Finally they reached house which now looked 40 stories tall and was grand palace fit for real man. Joaquin Phoenix stepped with feet and moved like man who walked like professional. He took ladies into grand palace filled with gold and lasagna. Halls twisted and turned and ceilings were high as sky. Rivers of lasagna flowed through halls and lasagna waterfalls fell from gilded walls.

Joaquin Phoenix led lady beast into main hall chest puffed and head high like kite. At center of main room was massive bed shaped like male symbol and at head of bed on marble pedestal was great statue of the Man Garfield in post of manly splendor, fist clenched justice oozing through fingers like sea slug. Joaquin Phoenix eyes teared at sight of manly statue and he knelt on one knee. "I am YOU! I am GARFIELD!" He cried to heavens with voice trembling with ghosts of dying hope.

Then suddenly statue trembled and shook. It cracked and crumbled and gray shattered to reveal manly orange. Garfield flexed mighty muscles and statue bits exploded off like stars bursting from planets. Garfield stepped off pedestal and went on floor. Joaquin Phoenix looked up in awe. He saw that his palace was no longer palace of gold and lasagna but again filthy home of viceful deceit. He saw that three headed lady monster was now again sexy actresses of beauty who looked with eyes like lustful saucers at Garfield, and bed of manly majesty was again barren mattress stained with regret.

"But I am YOU! I am GARFIELD!" Joaquin Phoenix cried with disbelief.

Garfield shook mighty head that was like sun shaking moon.

"But I did all! I have ladies! And lasagna! Look at my majesty!" Yelped Joaquin Phoenix with pathetic.

Garfield's eyes burned with glow of manly knowledge and he shook mighty head again. "The measure of man is not ladies he loves or lasagna he eats but justice he dispenses. Remember this as your soul explodes to Hell." Garfield said with wisdom greater than all scholars.

"I see now." Joaquin Phoenix said eyes filled with tears that cried tears of their own.

Garfield stared in Joaquin Phoenix's watery eyes and his eyes burned with fire hotter than lasagna sun. The eye fire seared into Joaquin Phoenix's soul and it exploded like Thanksgiving Day fireworks. The last thing Joaquin Phoenix's eyes saw was Garfield making love like tractor trailer to hot sexy actresses on his bed. He saw Garfield drive his man might into waiting ladies like golf cart being driven into sand, with roughness and with sensual sexuality. Joaquin Phoenix saw Garfield pleasure ladies and he smiled and gave thumbs up as his soul exploded into fiery oblivion.

The end…?

Author's note: If Joaquin Phoenix is reading this and wants to make movie out of my story that would be ok.

Author's note 2: If Jennifer Lawrence, Margot Robbie and Scarlet Johansson are reading this and would like to date me that would be ok.

Author's note 3: If Jimmy Kimmel is reading this and would like to invite me on his show that would be ok.


End file.
